Is there really anything that way?

“I miss you, i can’t stay away from you, i can’t live without you, its hard to not talk to you, you are the only one i have.”

They are the top words on my list NOT to believe when somebody say that. A lot of people say love breaks hearts and they don’t want to get cheated again. But how many “single” folks have you come across? If you ask me, not even 1 out of 10 stays single. May be for a while after a break up but not for ever. Here I don’t blame anybody for breaking their promise to never again fall in love but its a basic human tendency to love and want to be loved.

Somebody told me a couple of days back, “you are the only one i have”. That was the end of it. I don’t want to talk to that person anymore. Its obviously a lie. Especially coming from a person who have a pretty big social life. But looking at the facts, all of us go out every other day and meet new people. How can anybody have nobody at all? If nobody wants you for real, i can’t help it but say that something is wrong with you.

To end it, i say, i believe there is nothing like the above quoted words.

feeling out of your own shoes..

You are 25, a quarter of your life is over and you haven’t figured out what you want to do with your life.. or you are always messed up enough to not be able to have a standard life.. OR you just figured out what you want and people doesn’t let you do what you want to do with your life..

May be i have to replace “you are” with “i am” and it fits better..

why so may tie ups in life? i feel like am living in two worlds. One – my fantasy, where i earn for myself, buy my own food, do what i feel like, love who ever i want to, smile when i want to. Two – where i actually live. Its a up side down life of my fantasy. Terms are almost same but you know what’s missing? me. I miss in my own life. I miss living for myself.

Love is something that doesn’t matter much in this real world but its what pinning me down from everything my heart tells me to do. what a shame.

F*** you life.

Been two years..

So many things have happened in life in past two years and i have quit blogging.. may be its time to burst out again because am not able to find anybody to bug?

moved to bangalore.. met amazing people… life have taken such a amazing turn and am not the same person anymore.

met some old friends recently.. one of them said “i usually understand if a person is matured or no by talking to them for 1/2 hour. but about you, am not able to decide”. am glad he haven’t judged me.

guess its because its been ages that i wrote something, am finding it really hard to get words out but am sure am going to blog more in the coming days. its best to have a blog as best friend than people who – try judging you, controlling you and the most dangerous lot – who loves you.

 

love.

Me and my canon :D

oh ho.. what a crap day today.. its been almost 2 weeks that my internet connection stopped working. I decided i should start seeing whats going on in the idiot box [television]. My maid is just too busy seeing the daily serials which follow one single strategy “fight – kill – destroy”. She is so emotional that she was almost into tears seeing the fake problems of those actors. By gods grace, i had a power cut! i felt glad for that but i thought what i should do without a computer, internet and at least a TV. Its raining outside and i shuddered remembering the warning mom gave me if i play in rain again [she said she will babysit me! oh no!!]. How much electricity have taken control on our lives! Thanks to who ever that invented batteries and captured the devil electricity in tiny tiny boxes [shh.. no am NOT an engineer at heart.. lol]. I started scrolling the contact list in my mobile thinking whom i should bug. I found my best friend’s number and i thought i should disturb him in his very busy day. We talked for a while [about... umm.. 20 minits? ] and i started telling him how pathetic my day is. He asked me about the digi cam i got a couple of months back.. oh no! i totally am neglecting it these days. it became part of furniture in my room. before buying it, i was like counting how many things i could do with it. after getting my hands on it? all the number of things i thought of doing with it decreased day by day that i found absolutely no use of it. So, i told him that am not using it much.. i bet he would have cursed me under his breath [..hehe] for not using such a nice camera. Well, i should say, its him who have raised the idea of getting a camera [for himself ofcourse hehe]. It took almost 3 months for me to decide on what i should get [crap the compitition between these companies and crap the options they provide! just to complicate our decision making. it should be a rule that no two companies should make the same kind of product, so some dumb customers like me would stop losing hair thinking what they should be getting!]. I was still talking to my dear friend and he proposed that i should capture some cute rain shots. I never thought about it! All time i was busy capturing different poses of my live model [my doggy ]. As mentioned, my friend got more busy and he had no option than to disconnect the call. I took the camera and went outdoors to see whats there i could capture. Here comes the result of what happend then.

NO NO NO.. dont get into a assumption that iam a super photographer [ even though if u are shy to say that out heheeh ]. Its just the camera, its awesome! even in a kids hands, the camera would capture wonders. Am still trying to use this camera. Lets see what the photography world have up for me I welcome myself as the best amateur photographer to this huge photography world.

A yellow evening??

I was sleeping.. sleeping.. sleeping and i heard a faint voice.. it was growing louder second by second.. OH MOM!
Wonder if moms ever stop screaming.. but still.. i love u mom
I woke up, rubbed my eyes and looked at the wall clock.. its 5:40.. wow.. why did mom wake me up at 5:40???? i thought its crazy and i looked out of the window.. everything is yellow yellow. Weather seems to be ok, so i am sure sun isnt falling down. I decided i should go out and see whats happening. My brother was awake and is playing [actually irritating] with the dog. WHAAAT?? brother?? awake at 5:40?? What a weird day!!

So, its sun raise and sun its soo yellow. I captured a few shots of this to preserve the weird moments of this weird day.

Time is passing away and then its getting dark.. oh my god.. its then i realised that its 5:40pm but not 5:40am.. wow.. dumb me i should blame the couch, its so cozy that i even forgot when i slept and when i woke up. Isnt it just too gud to have something to blame up on for everything?
But still.. this yellow evening is amazing! lets correct my earlier statement its sun set.. not sun raise! and day isnt weird, its me who is weird.. hehe..

i love you and i miss you..

1995.. i was in my 4th class.. Almost half of the year passed and we were all excited about the hot news.. school picnic!! everyone were asked Rs.50 and i was the first one to give my name. Picnics and tours always excite me. I went to my father and asked, “dad please, let me go.. i will go in morning and be back by evening”. He was like.. oh my god, no no, a picnic, am scared to send you baby.. It took me almost a week to convince him to let me go. The previous day of my big picnic.. me, brother and dad visited the one and only general stores we had at that time.. “pack ‘n’ pick” and bought almost all varieties of chocolates available. Am such a chocolate lover. Finally, the day came. I still remember, it was a great day.. we were taken to the neighbouring city Vijayawada, which i had already visited a thousand times by then. But still a school picnic was very exciting. I was looking out of the window and explaining to the boy sitting beside me. “in science, we studied.. a dense collection of trees is a forest. So, we are in a forest”. Actually we were in a park. i was such a *%$&.

Year passed, 1996. I was in 6th class. I haven’t studied my 5th class. This time we were taken to the near by beach. We had a good time playing in the beach and collecting some shells and live creatures which we tried hard to carry to home. That was fun. Even for this picnic, i had to put a great effort to convince my dad to let me go. Wow i had such a crazily loving father! i was so proud on the other hand.

1997, This time the picnic turned to be a excretion. A 3 day tour to Hyderabad. It was an absolute NO from dad when i asked him about going on school excretion. His reasons to deny my little request is.. 1) i might fall ill 2) its hot there in Hyderabad 3) the food and accommodation might not be so good. I was very sad and i some how convinced him saying everything will be fine. His come backs for this is.. lets take car and go, i will take you along ur friends. Where they go. U stay with me and thats the only way i would be sure that my baby is fine and good. I was so irritated with this proposal and didn’t talk to him for a day, for which by the end, dad accepted me to go. All my luggage was packed. It was the first time going somewhere for 3 days without mom and dad. Having a suitcase just for myself and a key for it. I already got a feeling that i was so grown up to go somewhere without parents and handeling everything on my own.

Every morning and night dad used to call me and make sure if everything was ok. It was just a 3 day trip. I had so much fun and i was so proud that my father calls me day and night and ask if everything was ok or no.. which not all others parents didn’t do. No matter it was because their parents were confident that their kids would be managing well or something else. I was just happy because of it. Dad loves me and i love him. After comming back to home, it was hard to explain how much i missed him. Especially my pillow and my bed [my father's tummy and his legs.. haha.. yes, i used to climb upon him and sleep]. I was always his baby, the same little baby which he holded in his hands on 24th sept, 1987.

After that i never had gone anywhere which would keep me away from my dad for more than a day. I had almost everything i wanted. He used to provide me everything even before it comes across my mind. I wonder how many fathers cares about their baby girl this much.

It was 2002 December and it was time for me to plan my graduation. Everyone in college were excited about EAMCET and i asked dad if i can apply too. His answer was a big NO. His plans for my graduation were like, i should join in the worst possible college and study in the last 3 months of exams so that i could spend the rest of the time with him. Wow.. what kind of a dirty plan is it. I actually loved it. I was very cool about my results and future plans while everyone were struggling about the exams and EAMCET.

But life is never the way you expect. Especially when you are hoping some fun moments and real good to be happening. I was hoping a very good time was going to start but the opposite had happened. I lost you dad. The reality took a big deal out of me. I was shooked and i should say, i still can’t believe that you aren’t with me anymore. Everyday I think about you, even today i was  saying to myself, “oh, i thought about you today as well dad, its been 6 years 5 days that i have not seen you, feel your loving hug and touch, i miss you dad”. But the fact is, i still see him every day in myself.

I love you dad, and i always will.

Sometimes some emotions take us over and we have to find a way to let them out. Thanks wordpress for showing me a way to do it.

P.S : This post doesn’t mean that am not happy for what iam this day. I have a great mom who still makes sure i have evrything i need, the same way dad used to do. I feel so blessed to have such great parents.

Math and physics in life..

Guess.. as there is nothing much happening these days, my mind is taking me back to past several times linking up present and past events.. here, i love to mention my wonderful 11th and 12th classes of which i have spent most of the time with my good friend Alpha [not mentioning name because there are some kinky facts i mentioned about her, which would make her kick me for sure ]
She, along with her family used to live in our house as tenants. It was so good to have someone at my age at home. Same college, same group, same kind of “crazy minds”. We never did combined studies but all other stupid things we used to do together.. haha.. She got a bike in her 12th class and we sometimes went out on it. She was very brilliant in studies but i have no clue why her estimations in riding her bike is soooo shitty . When we were traveling on her bike once she had hit a car and it was my leg which got out of order. It was a minor accident and we didn’t even trip off the bike [thanks god for giving me such a wonderful opportunity to survive]. Her theory of riding bike is.. only the driver seat ever existed on the vehicle she drives. The pillion drivers are sent to hell.. here in this case, its me who is sent to hospital with a broken leg. Doctor asked me to keep my leg at 3 pillows height and rest for a day. Then my sweet alpha came to visit me and [omg] she blames me for sitting like a FROG! I didn’t have other option than to giggle at the comparison of me to a frog.. but its not my fault that the scooty seat is like that!!
This small memory of mine made me laugh when i was traveling to Hyderabad 3 weeks back.. I was watching out of the window and the bus driver is driving so smooth that he even overtakes other vehicles but hardly applies brake or blows a horn. I was amazed by his talent of calculating and making estimations of his drive, and i shivered for a moment imagining what would happen if my dear alpha drives that Volvo bus
Then i wondered who teaches all this math and physics to the illiterate drivers of the world.. wow.. physics and math are in our life… otherwise our world population would be half of what it is now.. Thanks my dear alpha for making such a wonderful memory in my life and teaching me “how-not” to ride a bike.

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the 3 mistakes of “his” life..

A couple of days back I borrowed a book by Chetan Bhagat from my friend.. I used to read a lot when i was in college but I haven’t touched a book after I  graduated.. Now some how i got back to reading.

The 3 mistakes of my life.

When i was in school we used to donate a book to our library on our birthday. My principal used to say that the best thing ever gifted is  a book. I was too young to understand what that mean. But now i know, and i feel how true it is. Words are the best way to express oneself.

By the end of 2007, i had faced some drastic changes in life which shattered me. I don’t remember who, but someone told me.. “you are the heroine of your life” … i deeply thank them for letting me know such a fact. When i was in my 11th and 12th classes, i used to feel amazed seeing people working in software companies, MNCs and think how independently they are leading their lives. When i got into engineering college.. i used to admire our college final year batch students who got placed into software companies.

When I got into final year, i saw my friends getting placed and leading the “amazing” life i used to imagine. I felt like everyone became hero and heroines. When i get into a problem, I try to visualize myself getting out of my shoes. I feel like watching the whole scenario from someone’s view. We get to talk to so many people in our life. Every individual have their own life, relationships, aims, thoughts, interests. Sometimes I feel like writing a book about every person i encounter. It sounds insane but yeah i feel like doing that. As i mentioned, everyone are hero and heroines of their own lives. Don’t every hero and heroine have a story of their own?

Now, i finished reading the book that narrated the 3 mistakes Mr.Govind Patel made in his life. Govind is just a usual man, nothing special in him. He isn’t characterized as a hero in the book but its written from his point of view. His aims, interests, beliefs, views up on life.. everything is narrated in such a good way. He did mistakes and acted selfish ..for which he had to pay so much later. Yet, he is the hero of his life.

[one thing that tickled me all through the book is, its never mentioned that he have computer knowledge and can make a mail and had a orkut account, which made me think some masala is added to the book to keep it spicy, or may be some parts are discarded to keep the story short.]

Am happy to see a book writen about a normal guy. Its just like my dream of seeing a book about ever individual [no matter if they are good or bad or hero or heroine] come true.

I wish good luck to Ali [a charector in the book] and hope to see him in our Indian cricket team one day. Cheers.

P.S1: I feel so sad about the religious fights that happen in our country

P.S2: Get a copy of the book and look into it., such a nice writing.

P.S3: Got to find the other two books written by Chetan Bhagat, I feel curious

College life.. realizations

“Oh god! its 7am already.. damn it, my bus is at 7:20am…” <— thats how i used to wake up every day for two years!! and i hardly ever missed the bus.. theehee..

Happy old collage days.  Big big problems i had at that time seems to be silly things now. All time busy with nothing, carrying everything to college in the bag.. except acemedic books.. the junk includes mobiles, cameras and mainly novels. They seemed very important than the acemedic books. Every moment spent in college is such memorable. The corridors, seminar halls, last benchs.. just thinking about them twists the corners of my lips. College have been my home for 4 years…! Iam the worst student possible, i admit it. Always skipping classes, reading novels in class, never on time… absolutely a pain in ass for the professors.. hahaha..  I don’t have the mere idea of how i managed to get out of the college.. am sure the professors are glad i did. Apart from these busy class bunking – novel reading times, friends… politics among them, our silly little gangs and secrets, everything seems to be so funny when  i look back. I thank all my friends for it. I can’t believe its been 2 years that the college is finished. Life seems to be paused after that, nothing much happening as exciting as it was earlier.

There were days when i was just stuck with my own things like having just a couple of friends and ignoring the others, minding my own things and feeding my craziness. When all these were happening i didn’t realize what i was missing. The nice experience of having more friends and ofcourse the silly gossips. That seemed to be a tiny issue but that did effect a lot. Many people seems to bind themselves around their dear ones and ignore the rest but realizes later sometime what they missed. Am one of them. I never have a clue of whats happening with others in the class. Am almost isolated, because i was with the wrong acquaintance, and i can’t really blame them, because i gave them the freedom to isolate and hide everything from me.

No one can hurt you without your permission – i heard this somewhere recently, and it sounded very true. Trusting a person is our decision and proving us right is their choice. So, what happens to us entirely depends up on what we  have done.

Looking back at what have happened earlier makes me regret for some things. I always wish i can go back and change them. Going back and back takes me some 10 years back to stop some blunders that still gives me nightmares. They taught me some real nice things though.

I miss the college life a lot.. probably i will go back to college again.. lets see what the new place have in reserve for me